♪ Woman: Gosh, this thing is dusty.

[Latches click] Oh, my goodness.

Look at my little... dress.

Until you are out of school, graduated from eighth grade, you can have buttons.

So, there's... and there has to be, um... Four buttons is the rules.

Oh, goodness.

This is my-- These are my dolls.

I couldn't have a real little, like, Cabbage Patch doll or something because that would have a face.

[Softly] My goodness.

This is so weird.

This literally is a sock doll with no face.

Good grief.

I'm sure this fits, unlike some of my other stuff.

Oh, my goodness.

What I immediately think about when I wear something like this, I can't even barely hear, because it's so-- Like, I'm already getting closed off.

It's...Ugh.

It's so restrictive.

[Speaks Pennsylvania Dutch] I just don't... Like, I just... I...It even... It's almost even physically, um... Like, it brings up all these different emotions.

So, it's just...Yeah, I feel physically, um, drained.

Yeah.

So, I don't know.

It's just a lot, um, to think about.

My five-year diary.

Um, when I was just 14, I was given this diary as a gift, like, a graduation gift from eighth grade.

As soon as I got done with, um...Sorry.

The area that I grew up on, from the Swartzentruber Amish, that was something that was often given as a gift.

So, I have red marks circled, and that was-- Those were the days that, um... that I had as a code word, um, that I was, um, raped.

Choir: ♪ Oh, Lord, my God ♪ ♪ When I in awesome wonder ♪ ♪ Consider all the worlds thy hands have made ♪ ♪ I see the stars ♪ ♪ I hear the rolling thunder ♪ ♪ Thy power throughout the universe displayed ♪ ♪ Then sings my soul ♪ ♪ My savior God to thee ♪ ♪ How great thou art ♪ ♪ How great thou art ♪ ♪ When through the woods and glorious glades I wander ♪ ♪ And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees ♪ ♪ When I look down from lofty mountains' grandeur ♪ ♪ and see the brook and feel the gentle breeze ♪ ♪ Then sings my soul ♪ ♪ My savior God to thee ♪ ♪ How great thou art ♪ ♪ How great thou art ♪ Um, it's been a while since I've been here, but, yes, right there is where it was.

So, it would have been over there, because you drove the buggy, and then you parked it on that side.

Now, it wasn't very far, but it was far enough that the buggy was hidden.

So, now I don't like fishing anymore.

I associate it with what happened, and that's why I don't fish anymore.

Yes, that's...Yeah.

I've never come back here ever, this close down here ever since then.

[Water gurgling] I was thinking about last time we fished here.

Um...that was before that happened.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

So, that had to have been when we were probably 13, 12, 13.

I mean, it's just interesting that... we never talked about it.

We never... discussed it.

What I can remember is going to be a hired girl for another family.

I had done it many times.

I did it, um... for lots of people since I was probably nine...eight, nine years old.

And...he said that every hired girl he ever had, he gets to take them fishing by himself for the whole day.

Um...and then for that day, that was the first place that he raped me, and then...he, yeah... later here, he raped me again.

I didn't know why she became mean and just distant, and, um... she was a completely different person.

Yeah.

So, I'm glad, glad to get the sentencing done and just have it over with, and... [Exhales deeply] I don't want to... I don't want to have to come back here.

I probably won't ever come back here again.

Um... I just don't... I just don't want to.

♪ Boy's voice: Well, I guess I'll get it right, so... We've got somebody bigger here, rolling up her nose.

♪ Having a birthday, very soon, ain't you?

Uh-huh.

And you're gonna be in the eighth grade, and then you're gonna be out of school, huh?

-Yeah.

-And aren't you glad?

Yes.

♪ Sheriff John DeGeorge: Did you ever have someone working with you by the name of Lizzie Hershberger?

Chriss Stutzman: Mm-hmm.

And do you remember how old she was about during that time?

Mmm...15, give or take, something like that.

What kind of work did you guys and the hired... other hired people do?

Everything, milking cows, stacking hay, pitching manure, cleaning out dog pens, morning and night, in the barn.

Wow.

So, that brings me to some questions I need to ask.

Mm-hmm.

Um, was there every any kind of a personal relationship between you and Lizzie?

Yes.

Okay.

Can you tell me about that?

Yeah, it was... well, you know... It happened a couple times.

Well...[Ahem] in Lizzie's journal, she counted a total of 28 times.

Oh, boy.

Does that sound like that could be possible?

It could very well be.

I guess I didn't realize it was that much, that many, but if she kept her journal, you know, and... [Hands hit table] journals don't lie.

Yep.

[Clock ticking] [Clock chimes] You know, I... This happened a long time ago, and I think, for her to come forward now, it was something that she needed to do kind of for herself to work through it.

I can see that part.

Is it something that you think has kind of affected you over the years, too?

Or have you thought about it a lot?

Well, like, yes, because I... I've actually felt... that I might have ruined her life.

You know, I'll tell you, John, the little fun I had... it's not worth it.

Yeah?

So, you putting on a sheriff's uniform soon?

Well, we'll see.

That'll be wrapped up down the line.

Well, I'll tell you what.

The Amish aren't allowed to vote.

Otherwise, my name wouldn't be on here for you.

♪ [Dogs barking in distance] ♪ ♪ My friend gave me this, and I thought it would be-- For my birthday, I thought it would be a good day to wear it.

[Whispers] Oh, I might start crying.

I don't want to start crying.

[Inhales deeply] That's why I don't want to read the letter.

[Sniffles] I just don't want to... completely break down, but I know it would probably be good if I did.

I want to get through security before 1:00, so... because the Amish will start-- Oh, they'll file through there and... [Sighs heavily] You okay?

Yeah.

I'll be so glad when this day is over.

I am, too.

Oh, there's an Amish van right there.

Did you see that?

Okay, go left, and we might be able to get in there before they will, because they'll go down to the other side and come in.

All right.

♪ ♪ Maybe have your daughter read it.

Maybe you read it.

How do you feel?

I think you will.

Yeah, I think.

♪ Your honor, I'm sharing my story with you today because I was shamed into secrecy for 30 years.

I can't go back in time to tell the 14-year-old girl I was in 1989 that it wasn't her fault.

I can't tell her that it wasn't okay for a man she trusted to rape her dozens of times.

I can only do what is right today and hope you do the same.

[Exhales] This secret has affected every aspect of my life since I was 14.

I went to live with his family not because I wanted to, but because, as an Amish child, I was denied a high-school education.

I respectfully ask that you send a message to Chriss, the Amish community, and all sexual abuse survivors that no one, especially a child, is ever responsible for their own rape.

I guarantee you there are people in the courtroom today who have been abused by men like Chriss and who are still suffering in silence.

To the Amish children, I want to say that you are not alone.

All of you are worth the risk of coming forward.

You are worth all the justice in the world.

[Indistinct voices] ♪ ♪ [Hoofbeats] ♪ Blond woman: You did it.

♪ Man: Thank you for giving Liz tremendous strength as she read her statement.

Most of all, we pray that you would be intervening in the Amish community, that this would send a message and, Lord, if other girls would feel so brave that they might be empowered to come forward.

I thank you for Liz being a pioneer in this.

May Liz be healed by helping others heal.

♪ [Thunder rumbles] When we were speaking earlier today, we kind of talked about how this is... potentially an issue in the Amish community.

Nobody wants to talk about it.

Um, that's why I was the first person to ever come forward in this community.

There's many cases that I know personally that have happened that people just don't come forward and talk about them.

How do you feel now?

I actually feel almost more in fear of my life right now.

They said... I'd better hope they do not meet me in a back alley.

What?

Wow.

♪ Woman: Let's go be real women and stand out there and, like, feel the storm.

Oh, but it's cold, isn't it?

I'm going.

Come on.

Forget about my good hair, guys.

[Thunder crashing] That's a little bright.

[Indistinct] I love it.

I love it!

Ha ha!

I know she does.

♪ Woman: Let me first say... we are a safe place.

We want you to feel safe.

Our mission is to create a platform for other ladies to share their stories.

I was sexually abused by my brothers, my dad.

Second woman: I was born and raised Amish.

I was a victim of sexual abuse.

Um, it was a family member.

I was raised in a really strict Mennonite setting, and, um, my father was my main sexual abuser.

Thank you.

You guys are all awesome.

So, great.

Thanks for sharing this.

It really takes a lot of courage to come up here and still share your story in front of lots of women.

Voices of Hope was started by myself and Dena.

We came to Berlin, Ohio, for the second conference.

I want these women to go home and feel empowered that they can stand up and they can share their story and that they have met someone here that they can call, because some of these women are still being abused.

I want to see us just having more of these events and more resources and more people getting involved and more people sharing their stories.

Woman: So, I'm walking down to the neighbors', and I heard the gravel crunching, and I look back, and I see my teacher, sixth-grade teacher, and he dropped his pants and exposed himself.

And I ran home, and my mom's in the kitchen.

I told her that he chased me and then he dropped his pants, and she says... [Speaks Pennsylvania Dutch] "Fix your bonnet," and then she says, "We need to teach you how to walk... [Groans in audience] "because if you move your hips too much "or if you're wiggling, you know, it can entice a man."

And up until I was 16 years old, when I was leaving, it had never, not even one time, occurred to me that getting raped, being sexually molested, that it was wrong or that it shouldn't have happened or that I was so violated.

You have to be willing to fight for the generation of little girls that are coming up that are someday going to sit in conferences like this because we never stood up and said, "This is enough."

[Applause] ♪ Hard because-- Just hard.

Our oldest daughter doesn't go with us, no.

♪ On this sheet, I want you to circle three phrases to help you remember the truth when you are dealing with feelings of shame.

And I realize now the abuse wasn't my fault.

For so many years, I thought it was all my fault and that I owe it to my father.

The abuse wasn't my fault, and I am a survivor and overcomer.

The abuse wasn't my fault, and I finally realized my worth and value are determined by God and not others.

The abuse wasn't my fault.

I think most of you said that.

I am strong and courageous, and I am a survivor and an overcomer.

[Thunder rumbling] Lizzie: Oh, hear the thunder.

This is perfect writing weather, perfect.

I know that there's two chapters that weren't done, that you said, "You have to write some more."

If I could get online... It just went, right there.

Oh, thank you.

All right.

So let's get online.

This Amish girl helps the girl from Brooklyn about technology.

I know.

We shortened it, but I like this one better.

"Behind Blue Curtains: A Memoir "About Coming to Terms with Amish Upbringing and Childhood Abuse."

"Pregnancy and where babies came from "was not something that was shared "or discussed in our Amish culture.

"I just kind of figured it out by reading Danielle Steele books."

Ha ha ha!

I know.

I know.

Did you ever consider leaving the area?

I don't want to leave now.

That's running again.

And that's what I did when I was 15, and I don't want to do that again.

They can't intimidate me to leave.

I can live here if I want to.

Oh, the house looks terrible.

I haven't done this in a while.

Let's just see if I've still got it.

As an Amish kid, I could do this with my dress on.

I did it.

Oh, watch.

Yeah, okay, now.

Ah!

Okay.

Jeez.

This is the door I came out when I ran away.

Well, let's just go in and check it out.

Oh, it's so bad.

See all the blue curtains?

Everything's blue.

That's the only thing you can have.

"The Diary."

Oh, this is another Amish magazine.

"Why I Want No More Vacations."

Oh, she's going to go to church instead... [Laughing] because she can get some pleasure out of church but not vacations.

Oh, boy.

But that's being too, um...worldly.

And the bed was right here.

And this was that slanted ceiling that... Molly: Right.

And there's only one window.

You described it so well.

Did I, though?

Yeah, really, really, really good.

I, like, haven't been in here in a long time, so... How do you feel?

♪ I don't ever remember not being sexually abused as a child.

I was definitely under the age of six, and the reason I remember that is because I had a pacifier, and I remember the incident with one of my uncles is that I went home and crawled into bed and had my pacifier.

I remember sitting in the living room.

There was people around.

They would make sure you sit against the wall or something where they can be right next to you, and they would reach under your dress, and they would touch me.

With my other uncle, he tended to, um... take me out in the barn, and it would always be like we were looking for little kittens or have some excuse to get me alone.

I was told not to tell, and I didn't.

One of the things I know outsiders often speak about is the children are so well behaved.

You have to know, behind the scenes, there is extreme discipline going on.

You will get severely beaten, and I'm talking about kids in a highchair yet get swatted across the face if you're too loud at the table.

You're supposed to follow the rules, and if you don't follow the rules, there's consequences.

I told the investigator that I believe 90% of the Amish that leave the Amish community have been sexually abused.

But many, many of them, they will never come forward because you do not bring it up, you do not go in and report it.

You're supposed to forgive and forget.

That's why I'm going against everything that I've been taught when I decided to start writing my book.

♪ ♪ Come here.

Growing up, I was not allowed to ride a horse because I had my dress on.

So, I always thought about riding a horse when I could have pants on and ride a horse.

So, I absolutely love them, um... and I don't know.

It's just something about horses that bring you, like, therapy.

My goodness.

You guys act are acting like you haven't had anything to eat.

[Horse whinnies] Woman: Hi, friends, and welcome to season five of the "Plain People's Podcast."

Man: Hello, everyone, and welcome to "Police Off the Cuff After Hours," walking back... Second woman: Good evening, everybody.

We're very grateful to Lizzie for being willing to share her story.

Lizzie, I am so honored to welcome you to our "Safe Communities Survivor Voices."

She's the author of a book called "Behind Blue Curtains."

"Behind Blue Curtains."

You know, growing up Amish in the community I did, I was aware of a few sex-abuse cases.

Um, but after reading your book, I was blown away and shocked.

Your book is going to be such a resource for so many people.

It's very informing because I, myself, had very little idea of what Amish actually is.

I mean, you see things on TV, but I didn't really understand it.

You were so sheltered and so, um... so far from...from what the real world, I think, is like that, um, you have, um, a lot of disadvantages, and one of the biggest ones is...is the language.

And that's... The unfortunate thing is it's a community where this is so easy for them to be able to do this.

Well, he only lives about 12 miles from my house.

I still live in the community.

He walks around freely every day.

Um, he is an Amish deacon, and no matter what, even though he's been sentenced, I still have to live with it.

It's never gonna go away, you know.

It's always there, so... You know, it's, um... it's definitely better than it was.

I feel better than I have probably, you know, in about... you know, a long time.

♪ ♪ [Door opens] -Knock, knock.

-Come on in.

Hey.

Hello.

How are you, ladies?

Good.

This is Lizzie.

Remember me?

Yes, I do.

Ha ha ha!

Nice to see you again.

You, too.

Lizzie was trying to remember you from Voices of Hope.

That was actually a really tough day, through a tough time right then.

[Hoofbeats passing] So, how...Did you move up here in 2017?

I called the police.

I was 8 1/2 months pregnant.

What did you have, 40?

She had $50.

$50.

$50 in my pocket, and I left with 6 boys and 8 1/2 months pregnant.

Um, got a job at Blue Gate and worked in the kitchen, was prep cook.

And then I bought this place here, and in that time, I was still shunned by the Amish church.

And the shunning is because you went to the police?

Mm-hmm.

There was this discussion whether... Do I dare say it?

Yeah, I'm gonna say it.

Go ahead.

But whether the Amish are a cult or not.

Oh.

You have to look this way.

You're not allowed to do this.

And, you know, there's this box, as we all know, and you have to perform, and you have to be in that.

So, what about, like, your healing process?

Have you been in counseling?

I would go to the battered women's group, which I still do.

What I probably will keep on studying for is to be a victim advocate.

I have heard most good detectives, officers, especially victims advocates, they all have had a history.

Something happened in their family, and they're doing it because they want to help others.

Here you go.

There you go, Lizzie.

Have you had your arm exercises today?

No, I have not.

[Mixer whirring] This is not about speed, right?

So, this you need to put in the microwave?

[Laughter] Who needs a microwave on a day like today?

Elizabeth: Sorry, Margaret.

I don't have a microwave.

[Door rumbling] My boys come inside and get me sometimes when they don't want to listen, and I tell them that... it's your, um... demeanor with them... that you need to be-- show them that they're safe.

I was 21 years old when I got married, and I had no idea that I had married a man like that.

The rapes started early on, in the first few months of our marriage, but I just thought that it's a wife's duty.

I would scream, and then he would hold his hand over my mouth.

♪ When I came home with a little baby, he would start shaking the baby.

I did not know of domestic violence.

I did not know there was a name like that.

The ministers would come over periodically, and they would tell me that I just need to be more submissive.

They did not want police officers or any people from the outside to find out what was happening.

♪ [Engine starts] ♪ In 2012, Samuel was born.

All of my boys were really sweet, but there was something different about him, and he had these clear blue eyes that when you look up at the sky, then I always see Samuel's eyes.

He died at 4 1/2 months old from SIDS, and that completely changed me.

I was never the same.

♪ One day, I ran over to the neighbors' because I was so scared, and she called the police.

My youngest son was born two weeks after I left.

He was early, and he almost died.

The sergeant told my parents, if that baby would have died, Willis would have been charged with murder because of what he did to me.

♪ This here is the no-contact that the judge put in place.

"The court also finds that the defendant represents "a credible threat to the physical safety of the person or persons named below."

He knew that it wasn't safe for us.

And he sentenced him to 10 years, and he told him, "I would give you more if your plea agreement wouldn't have a cap on."

So, for men of the Amish culture... go to prison and be charged with crimes like this and be made public is almost more than they can take because it ruins their good image.

"To the Honorable Judge Chad Kukelhan, "my name is John Shetty, and I'm writing "in regard to Willis Hilty's sentence.

"I feel he would be a benefit to society "if he were to be released to start a new life.

"Willis definitely would not be "a threat to his children, wife, or anyone he would be in contact with."

How does he really know?

He didn't live with him.

♪ ♪ [Door opens] [Doorbell jingles] Joyce, this is Lizzie.

Hi!

Nice to meet you.

My goodness.

I just sold one of your books.

There's only one left.

Yeah, I just sold one, so... I have.

I have them along.

So, yeah, if there's only one left, yeah.

♪ Gotcha.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Ah.

My goodness.

That's so exciting.

It is exciting.

It is exciting.

♪ ♪ Thanks for doing this.

This is a very much-needed thing.

How are you?

I'm so glad you came.

Oh, you read my book?

I have your book.

I've been thinking about you and if I ever got to meet, like, a celebrity, you would be my person.

[Laughter] ♪ I might have to go get some seats.

This is the most we have ever had.

I didn't know that.

Well, I'll have to introduce you to my friend that I brought from Wisconsin, Katrina, because she really needs the support.

♪ I've never cut my hair, but it's not like I mind it.

I had friends, you know, who told me that they look at themselves as survivors and overcomers, and I don't think I quite came to that point yet.

In the Mennonite church, as you know, you aren't supposed to talk.

Women's voices are nothing.

So, I talked a little bit about how I'm struggling about going ahead with this court case, especially with a baby on the way and it being-- the trial being just a couple weeks before she's born.

And I admit it, that I'm thinking of totally dropping it because I just can't see how I'm gonna go on.

The district DA gave me a choice.

I mean, in a case that old, they could have dropped it.

And my response was, "If I say, no, "we're just gonna drop the charges, they win, they win."

And I'm not gonna let them win again and let them keep doing what they've been doing.

Somebody has to step up.

♪ We lived on a small hobby farm in Curtiss, Wisconsin.

I just really always enjoyed, like, the family time.

We did most everything together.

I was 15 at the time when I started working at the greenhouse.

He would have been 25.

He always seemed like a very quiet, shy guy.

I mean, I...I really didn't see it coming, I guess.

♪ He usually caught me when I had my back turned to him, and he would put one arm around the top of my neck and pull me back against him, and then he would use the other hand.

I had a friend who was shot and killed in Texas.

In the autopsy report, it showed that she fought back.

She had his DNA under her fingernails.

She went to hell because she was not being nonresistant.

That's what we were taught.

Saying no, pushing him away, telling him to quit, that to me, honestly, felt like I was the one at the wrong.

One day, he came up behind me as he usually did, and he pushed me up against a table.

He was very, very frantic, I guess you would say.

And his sister walked in, and she told me, if a girl would stay at her place, things like this would never happen.

I was bleeding a bit, and I had no idea why at that point in time.

The minister's wife called.

She said, "I just want you to be aware whatever punishment he gets you're getting, too."

The last time I came back, we were having a family gathering.

I was kind of like the outcast, of course.

Nobody really talked to me, but I was sitting out on the porch, holding my two youngest brothers.

Mom came and took them away from me.

My dad was put on proving for siding with me.

Dad's trying to make things right with the church again, and one of those things is not to talk to me.

He needs to weigh his own options.

Is it more important to talk to his daughter, or is it more important to try and keep the rest of his family together, you know?

♪ I don't... I don't know.

♪ ♪ Oh, my gosh, Katrina, you don't have to do this.

We wanted to do the shower.

You're hosting a baby shower.

Well, I-- Technically, you're supposed to give the hostess a gift.

Yeah, but not something this big.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

That was very nice.

How long has it been since your sister left?

A year in January.

So, it's like a year and... See, I only left, like, three months after she did, not even three months after she did.

See, I always keep thinking she was gone a lot longer before that, but... Do your parents not communicate with her at all even?

Nothing?

No, and she's to the point she doesn't want to, because she... she's suicidal.

Her boss called me because he was really worried because he found a bloody knife in the shop, and she was-- If you see her now, if she wears a short-sleeved shirt tomorrow or anything like that or even...even shorts, she has a lot of scars, a lot.

From cutting?

Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪ Prince.

Ha ha.

And you know what's funny?

Because Darian, you know, knows a little bit of Amish words, and he figured out that Prince listens better if he talks Amish to him.

Oh, yeah, that's what he was used to.

[Door rumbling] Oh.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

You're fine.

I should have told you to go away farther.

You know, when they're these Amish horses, like, he didn't know what my lawnmower was.

See if I can still do this.

Ha ha ha!

Yep.

[Speaks Pennsylvania Dutch].

I'm not sure what that is.

I've never seen that.

It says in the reins.

Okay.

Like that.

That's the cup for her mouth.

There you go!

See, Menno, you've still got it.

You might become Amish.

Amishing again, huh?

I think I'll stick with my car.

[Laughter] This is a lot of work.

I was driving one of my dad's horses one time, and he was really spooky, and she was-- Shoot, I have to take this call.

Okay, you have to stop.

Stop.

Victim Services.

How can I help you?

Um, well, I'm a volunteer with Victim Services.

Are you having, like, a panic attack, or... Okay.

Are you in a safe place?

Okay.

So, my backup's name is Melissa.

I'll have her call you back right now on this phone number.

Okay?

Like, literally within a minute, okay?

Yep.

Bye.

Um, somebody's having a panic attack, and she's at work, and she has tried to report her case, and she has not been able to report it.

And she said she was raped.

Um... When somebody is having a panic attack, like, I know what it is.

You can't breathe.

You can't, like... You feel like you're dying because you can't-- you can't breathe.

like, you can't, like-- And then she was crying.

Uh... Have you ever had one?

Oh, I have.

No.

I don't know what a panic attack is.

I do.

I want to look at it.

Okay, okay, okay.

There you go.

That's all I wanted to see, see how deep, what it looks like.

Oh, it's hot!

You know, it's a hot tub.

Do you come in here when it's cold out?

Well, yeah.

That's the best time.

It'll probably feel good till you're ready to get out.

There you go.

That's the key for it.

From talking to Amish people and, yeah, former Amish, I see the number of cases going up, but I think that's because so many more people are talking about it.

You know, think about a couple years ago, when you first came to the courthouse to hear my case.

Like, nobody was talking about it.

I don't think I've ever seen it like this.

So, can you see yourself become, like, somebody's mentor or close, like, father figure if somebody leaves the Amish?

For a long time, I didn't because I never received it myself.

I mean, like, at home... I never felt accepted and approved.

But I have a lot of people that have been, like, really good to me and accepted me and, like, treated me like family.

So, now I know what that feels like.

And now I feel like I could do it for other people, yeah.

I could totally see it.

I think you'd be good at it, Menno, because of all the things that you've went through and all the healing you've went through.

♪ I think it happens a lot in the Amish community.

Um... ♪ Oh, boy.

Just what I've seen and experienced with my brother.

He learned it from someone else.

♪ I was nine years old.

My brother was 11.

And one night, he started sexually molesting me.

I was always scared of my older brother because he would hit me or hurt me.

Like, it would hurt.

♪ And at the same time, I was also scared that my dad is gonna hurt me if I mention it.

♪ Coming out here, it brings up memories of home, and sometimes I get sad.

I guess I don't have family.

Well, I do, but it's not... ♪ They don't let me stop in anymore.

♪ Finally, about the age of 26, I almost committed suicide.

I can't really see, but there's, like, hooks over there.

I was thinking of, like, taking my belt and just hanging myself off of one of those.

♪ It's, like, the worst feeling ever, but I felt, like, so hopeless.

And then I met Rachel, Lizzie's sister, and that's the first person I ever told, and it felt very good to be able to talk to someone about it.

♪ If it wouldn't be for her, I don't know where I would be.

Like, I don't know how I would have got-- if I would have got through it.

I don't know if I would have.

♪ And it's very hard to talk about your own story.

I am very proud of Lizzie for stepping up and making the decision to share her story with people.

It helps me to be able to share my story.

There's a lot of Amish that need help, and somehow they've got to find a way to stop it or be able to get free from it.

♪ Santana.

[Horse whinnies] Come on, guys.

Come on.

Come on.

Some days are a lot easier than others.

The toll that it takes, yes, on-- It's not just a toll even on myself.

It's a toll on the family.

My husband did not want me necessarily to come forward and share because, um... it affects family members.

I'll wake up in the middle of the night, and I think about the prior day or a prior case that I have, and I can't reach everybody.

But if I can teach a few and then they will do the same thing, and that multiplies and keeps going.

♪ Prince, are you coming or not?

Hmm?

♪ Come on, guys.

♪ Woman: If you have any questions or if I talk too fast, please just let me know, okay?

And guess where we notice our age first.

Under the eyes.

And you want to use this also morning and night.

All right.

Okay.

Um, how many of you have, um, drawerfuls of makeup sitting at home that you don't like, products?

I'm sorry.

You're talking to the wrong group here.

No?

Okay.

Everybody but me.

You still kind of are in public.

We still kind of are in public.

I mean, just for various reasons, I dress Mennonite sometimes.

But she's still technically not there.

I did that for a while.

I went to family gatherings, and I dressed up really nice.

But that didn't work for long because then I was a hypocrite.

It's really scary to step out because a lot of people are gonna criticize, and also, like, in the Mennonites, if you start talking about depression and suicide, everyone just kind of goes, whoop, away from you.

And then they tell you that you need to straighten your relationship with God out, and then you'll be fine.

I just shared with somebody one time about some messages that some guys were sending me that were actually Mennonite, and they just up and told me, "Well, you know, sometimes you go out into public, and you don't wear socks."

And that's what guys are messaging you?

If any guys bothered me about anything, it was because I combed my hair too loosely on a Sunday morning.

Which, I must admit, I did.

I mean... it looked prettier.

[Laughter] [Indistinct voices] So, someone is here that's from the church that I go to... or that I went to.

So, I'm just kind of nervous, because I haven't exactly came out to them.

You're fine.

It's time you own the world.

[Indistinct greetings] I was thinking about my daughter.

When she was young, she wanted to be Amish.

Why?

I don't know.

I thought it was cool.

[Laughter] Then I said, "I'll drop you off for a whole week."

I think a lot of people, you know, they see the culture, and they appreciate the culture, you know, the lifestyle and everything, but once they actually come to the rules and the church, that's what... because, I mean, that's what did me off.

Well, and I think also joining the church is so important because it's a heritage, it's a culture, and so they want you to-- Did you say "cult"?

Sure.

They want you to stay in it because I know, at least for my parents, leaving the church is, like, completely disrespecting everything they've ever done.

Yeah, you disown the church, You also disown what your family taught you.

-It's like the whole thing.

-It's very personal, yeah.

Lizzie: I always just remember one thing you said-- "Well, I would only have to go through eighth grade."

And that was one reason I left, because they didn't want me getting a higher education.

After you left, they had a six-hour interview with me about it, and that's what sent you into hell, because you were getting a higher education.

So, I was supposed to quit mine at that point in time.

Yeah, it was six hours.

God forbid women ever do anything with their lives.

So I've learned with having a mom who asks me how to spell everything.

[Laughter] I do.

We had an encyclopedia that was... that was heavily edited, you know.

Oh, no!

It had slashes.

It had pages cut out and Wite-Out and a marker.

So, I would sit here with the encyclopedia, holding it up to the... because, you know, the marker, you could still see the words through the marker, so... Or if it's Wite-Out, I would scratch it off.

♪ ♪ We're working with a lot of Amish women who are still within the communities, and every woman I meet has a story of trauma.

I mean, she was possibly sexually abused by her dad or her grandfather.

She watched it happen to her little sisters.

She's now in a marriage where she's controlled and abused emotionally, sometimes physically, sometimes sexually.

I really need somebody like you to look up to because you have so much more experience.

I mean, I have lived through, yes, the abuse and being Amish, but I can just learn so much from you on how you handle victims and how you deal with, you know... making them feel safe.

And you don't want to retraumatize, you know, anybody.

The work is hard.

It is.

It is hard.

It is, and I told somebody it's kind of... it's kind of lonely sometimes because what victims share with us is safe with us.

You know, I think the external community has to do a much better job.

That's the problem, because they shared, and they didn't get a response of, you know, how you're responding, that you believe them, that they're safe, they can share their story with you.

And I...I see a lot of change happening, but there's so much room for growth.

Now it is we want to talk about it.

People are talking about it.

But we're not sure how to handle it.

Sometimes when I'm meeting one on one with these women, they will draw me pictures, they will do sketches.

These are plain women, and they are weeping, and there's children among them that are obviously hurt.

♪ When I say, "What is it like to be part of this community?"

this is what she drew.

♪ And up here, she's using words to express what they're all feeling.

♪ In the last two years, I've probably met with nearly 200 women.

We think at least 50% of women were sexually abused, and some folks thinks it might be as high as 80%.

And what comes up time and again is that they really have no agency to get the kind of help that they need.

♪ There's concentric circles of authority, and these women are crushed by all of the authority that is around them, and it is all male authority.

♪ The stories that they share are often of really horrific sexual abuse as children.

They watch their children, then, become victims, and they desperately want to break the cycle.

And I want to be able to nurture and develop more Lizzies, because it's the Lizzies who are gonna lead this movement.

♪ [Sighs] I received this letter from somebody Amish.

I wasn't quite sure if I should open it, but... In my book, I talked about the first time that I was raped was that he, um... kept saying, "Relax."

So... [Inhales and exhales deeply] [Mouse scrolling] And this is--this is from somebody I know, whom I grew up with.

Um, it says, "I pray for the family "of the accused.

I can't imagine what they're going through."

But she grew up neighbors with me, neighbors with me, and I can't believe... I mean, it's just ridiculous.

Somebody I also grew up with, and said, "Julie, that's just it.

"You'd think there would be more victims' stories.

However, there isn't."

Susan-- "Thirty years later, she's still looking for attention."

Then somebody else said, "The way... "The way I heard, she tried to throw herself "onto someone else right around the same time.

"So, I don't think it's rape, "or she would have fought back and wouldn't let it happen again."

And that was also somebody from my community.

Um... This has probably hit me the worst.

It says, "I was always told that you can't rape the willing."

Eight... eight thumbs up, three with a "love."

I mean, are you kidding me?

Some of these people I don't know.

My goodness.

Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

♪ I definitely was very concerned about publishing my story.

I was really trying to prepare myself for backlash like this.

Now, some of these people that commented, I'm sure they haven't taken the time to read it, and they're not gonna have an open mind on any of this.

But I'm still... I am not sorry that I came forward.

♪ There are people in my community that would rather burn the book than, you know, have another person read it.

I'm proud of you, Lizze.

I know it's been one of the hardest things you've ever done in your life, but I'm proud of you, you know.

Thank you.

Voices of Hope, the first time I spoke was the first time that I had ever actually shared my story.

That's just really been, um... life-changing for me.

Like, I feel like it's really changed my life, you know.

Our sharing our stories with each other encourages each other and helps build one another up.

Dale: What you're doing is gonna make a big difference.

It already has.

That's the thing.

There are already ripples, and they're...they're spreading, and there's other people that are gonna stand in the gap now because you stood in the gap.

♪ -Hi, guys.

-Hello.

-Hi, Dena.

-Hi!

I grew up in Swartzentruber Amish.

I was born and raised on a Swartzentruber Amish farm.

It was very, very strict.

It's been 15 years, and I'm finally able to... speak.

Women are taught to be submissive.

Women had no voice.

You're supposed to forgive and forget and move on.

I know for a fact that this happens a lot.

When I read Lizzie's book, one of the things that I felt was that I'm not alone and feel like my community abandoned me.

There's a lot of things that you have really went through, and now, look at... look at the outcome.

I loved working with Lizzie.

This inspired a whole movement.

♪ Two Amish brothers are heading to prison for 15 years, Aaron and Petie Schwartz.

Both pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl.

Abuse-survivors-turned-advocates made their way from Minnesota.

Lizzie Hershberger and Rachel Hawley were raised Amish.

Now they're working with authorities on these types of cases.

I think that's one of the biggest things, the problem right now with getting these cases brought, um, to justice is because of the language barrier.

♪ Lizzie: So, what you think is that basically I'm here meddling in somebody else's business?

Emma, this is Rachel.

I've seen my sister struggle her whole life.

I saw what it did to her.

Somebody should have meddled.

Somebody should have meddled in and helped us when we were six and seven years old, Emma.

♪ The video in here will just explain a little bit about how the Amish work, how their system works, when to get interpreters, because they're gonna tell you that their children do understand, but they really don't.

So, if you ask a little child, you know, "How are you being sexually abused?"

they have no idea what that means.

Obviously, we can't go into the Amish community and go knocking on doors and say, "Hey, you need to talk to us."

Things have to be reported to us.

They have no phones.

They have no way to reach the outside world.

We have some cards, some education that we're bringing out.

[Speaks Pennsylvania Dutch] Woman: Thank you.

♪ Elizabeth: Amish women are starting to have a voice.

Does the leadership like it?

Do the men like it?

No.

But I aim to fight until it happens.

Amish just think that they can push their weight around.

And if they would be dealing with it correctly, we would not have the unbelievable amount of victims that are coming forward right now.

I mean, it is just... I've never seen anything like it like it is right now.

♪ Newsmen: A Lancaster County man has pleaded no contest to the sexual abuse of four pre-teenage girls.

75-year-old David Smucker of East Earl pleaded to 20 felonies, including rape of a child... An Amish man pleads guilty in Clearfield County court to sexually assaulting multiple girls.

[Indistinguishable voices] Linda Crockett: It seems to be a time when Amish women are really finding the courage to say, "No more.

I'm not willing to be silent.

"I'm not willing to stand by "and have my children and my grandchildren sexually abused.

No more of this."

Women: You become a wife and a mother.

You do not get an education past eighth grade.

I lived with it, just hidden and stuffed away.

In the Amish community, there's even a bigger stigma that we don't talk about anything.

I mean, I'm doing another book later on... Women are taught to be submissive.

Women are taught to be submissive.

A woman really never had a voice.

♪ Every morning instead of evening?

Or you just took one?

Twice a day?

Okay.

Do you want me to stand by you when you read it?

Okay.

Yes.

"Thank you for the opportunity to speak about "how this crime has affected my life.

"I tried to forget but battle with flashbacks, "horrible head... and horrible headaches.

"I wrote a note to my folks and told them I loved them.

"I didn't want them finding out the truth "of what drove me to suicide.

"I'm going to have to work on this "for the rest of my life.

"I am no longer controlled by you.

"I will be my own person, "and I will speak from my heart.

"I want to say to all the victims out there "that I know you follow the clan to be silent, "but I have another message for you.

"You have the right to speak up.

"You might lose everything, "but you'll find a sense of freedom.

"You'll find people to stand with you and support you.

This cycle needs to be broken."

♪ ♪ That is an intimidation directly to his daughter not to come out and speak.

That's exactly what-- That's exactly what it is.

That daughter went home and told her parents.

-Her parents know.

-Her parents know.

That is--Oh, that shows exactly the way they work.

They're so manipulative, and they use their... freaking religion.

[Indistinct] [Sighs heavily] ♪ Every time you think there's a little-- I think there's a little bit of hope going on for them, then they do something dumb like this.

How old is she now?

She would have just turned 16.

♪ ♪ I...I was so disappointed in...in the way he responded, in the way the church still wants to sit there and say that they're behind him.

I was frustrated.

There's too many ministers in that church that are involved in it.

And if my sister would just... That's why I'm kind of like my sister, "Come on.

Just speak out."

Because she... she suffered at the hands of the ministers themselves.

♪ ♪ How did you get started having abuse awareness meetings?

What made you want to help?

Well, we were... we were involved with putting together a call-in center for abused people, could call in.

And we got asked to do an awareness meeting, and so, we did.

There's people that have never told anybody all their life.

This is the only light at the end of the tunnel that they ever had.

If I remember correctly, it was either you said you have five or seven days to do something.

Can you...Do you still talk about that?

Because I think that was directly to a perpetrator if they're sitting there.

Can you talk about that just a little bit?

If you challenge a perpetrator that has been a perpetrator for the last 30 or 40 or 50 years, they're not gonna change in one day.

If you can give them a seven-day thing, that's doable maybe.

And it is, for most people, it is very doable.

And if there's a victim sitting there, I challenge them that they have seven days to go and tell their perpetrator that they forgive them and they're gonna put all the baggage behind them and never bring this up again.

Mm-hmm.

What about in a case if somebody calls you-- and I don't know whether this has happened-- but what if a perpetrator calls you and says... or if... has it ever happened where they say they are currently still abusing?

If it's a child, what has been your response?

A dad was molesting his two daughters, and somehow it got exposed.

But the church stepped up and says, "We'll take care of this ourself, and we'll be totally responsible."

And the DCS and the sheriff's department said, "If you guys will hold him accountable," they'll go with that, and he never did serve time.

And the sheriff told us, he says, "We don't need any more of your people in our jails, in our penitentiaries."

Um...and so, we have programs... ♪ There's just so much denial and so much healing that has not taken place, and it probably never will.

You know, I remember the day when I thought, you know, I'm the only one.

And, you know, many of you might have felt that way, you know...you know, so young and so... Everything was so dark, and you just... You know, I didn't want to live.

I didn't want to, you know, see another day.

Yeah, I mean, I still struggle with not feeling good enough or, you know, I haven't done enough, you know.

Lizzie, you're not saying what beauty came out of it.

So, I'm gonna start by doing that.

[Laughter] Go ahead.

I have...I have just been blessed, um... getting to know you.

I love you as a person, and...the good, the sad, the crazy, the beautiful, the...every area.

I... But the one thing that I don't even know if you realize what you're doing, it's out of those ashes that you do what you do, like helping with Voices of Hope.

And that can be so draining for you.

I've seen you.

I see you.

I know what happens to you.

But you do it because you're there for other ladies.

You don't want them to go through, and you want them to know how to heal and how to... See, those are all the beauty that has come out of your ashes, and it's making an impact.

Lizzie: It is rewarding, especially when you come to a group like this and I hear all these stories of people, you know, um... how they've overcome, and it just... it inspires me to keep going.

It's just like my bishop.

I just came from his house.

And then he asked me if I think that if Willis changed, and I told him no, and he said, "Well, now my question is have you?"

And I was like... I don't have to give you an answer on that one, because have I changed?

Yes, I have, but probably not in the way that they would want me to.

Margaret: That took a lot of courage to do what you did today.

So proud of her.

So, through all that, who have you become?

I have become me.

And who is you?

Elizabeth, the beautiful, smart woman that's loved by God.

[Laughter] I love that!

I absolutely love that!

♪ [Applause] Thank you, everybody, for coming.

We are very grateful you took time to come out.

♪ Hey!

What did you think of the conference?

It was awesome.

Leaving him was very freeing.

It was the best-- one of the best decisions that I made, but then, in leaving the Amish, was better yet.

It's...Ha ha.

I don't want to ever go back.

I got rid right away of all my Amish clothes, and I still had my horse and buggy, and I drove my horse and buggy down the road with English clothes on.

[Laughter] We talked to an Amish bishop one time, and I talked to him, and I wondered, you know, I said, "Do you know that, by law, "you're a religious leader, you're required to make reports."

He said, "Oh, I know."

He said, "If I did that, all the Amish men would be in jail."

I... Really?

Okay.

I came because I said, you know, I need to do something for my daughter.

This cycle has been going on for generations in my family.

I have to do something.

♪ Voices of Hope is a women's conference to give women that have been abused a voice.

And so Dena and Lizzie wondered if we would lead the men's sessions.

Even though it's awkward to talk about, the painful things that we've gone through... but it's part of the healing process.

There's a big tendency to, um, blame the person who's the victim.

But there's no way that we'll ever forgive and forget.

That is a lie that we've been taught, too many of us have been taught all our life.

♪ [Telephone rings] Man: Hello.

Huh-uh.

Yeah.

Wow!

Yeah!

That's absolutely... Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely.

So, it is, yeah.

[Speaking Pennsylvania Dutch] Okay.

Yep.

Bye.

Finally, he said if we would put 200% of our energy into prevention, we wouldn't have to deal with all the after-effects, which I think is huge, because I've told-- I said, "You cannot give a perpetrator seven days.

"You can't give them three days.

You have to do something."

Yeah, I'm gonna work on that.

♪ Hey, Rebecca.

Anything else I can do, like, to support you when you're going through anything in court?

Is there anything I can do to support you in any way?

[Woman speaking indistinctly] ♪ ♪ This individual has somehow found the courage to come and share her story with all of us, in hopes it might help another find strength.

Please give a very warm welcome to our survivor, Elizabeth Hilty.

Are you ready for this?

I am.

♪ ♪ Okay, Skylar, let's see if we can do this.

You think we can do this?

♪ Ma.

[Baby cooing] ♪ Let me find the one from the FBI agent.

The FBI requested my expertise on, you know, how should you interview survivors in this case.

I believe it was over 400 victims.

I mean, and it took lots of...hard work to get the FBI to finally get involved.

The agent, she said, "Just tell me everything you can about the Amish," and she just requested that I explain the language barrier, the limited education, and I said, "Everything I share with you..." I hope that she will then go share everything that I've shared to try to educate as many people as we can.

♪ ♪ ♪ Announcer: Independent Lens is made possible by: the Action Circle for Independent Lens, with major funding from: the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, Acton Family Giving, the Ford Foundation, the Jonathan Logan Family Foundation, and contributions from the following: Support for this Independent Lens presentation was provided by: Additional support for this series has been provided by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and by contributions to your PBS station from viewers like you.

Thank you.

♪ ♪